My Worst Addiction

My worst addiction hasn’t been drugs or alcohol, but the future. That’s where I’d go to soothe myself, certain that I knew its contents. The future, after all, was where all success and failure appeared to wait, where the results of what I created in the here and now would be learned. It seemed too important to leave to what in my darkest times felt like chance, as if there was some indifferent force that would determine what would become of me when the calendar turned again.

And so, I’d dream the long path ahead of me. What I saw seemed real enough, as if I were actually planning something, outlining my life. I knew there was power in visualization. Wasn’t that what I was doing? It wasn’t, actually. True visualization is still rooted in the present, the way you can picture the flowers blooming in your garden the day you planted them. My habit was just hope decorated by my imagination. It was better than actively worrying, but it never felt real. No matter. It seemed like my only antidote to the endless problem that was tomorrow.

Unfortunately, fear disguised by make-believe is still fear. What’s more, it meant that today didn’t really matter as much as what was coming. Of course, in all my dreams I’d imagine a time where the future didn’t concern me at all, where all I needed to do was create with what was in front of me. What a relief that would be. At their best, these fantasies seemed quite real. Surely such an experience was possible.

In fact, it is. Writing teaches me and anyone interested in learning this very lesson every day I sit down at my desk. It doesn’t matter if I’m writing about the past, which I often do; all my attention is in the present. It’s the only place creation can occur. It’s where everything always is. And it is a relief when I sink into it, when all I’m concerned with is the next sentence and the next sentence. It’s how I slowly broke that addiction, giving myself daily the very reward I’ve hoped I’ll some day claim.

Check out Fearless Writing with Bill Kenower on YouTube or your favorite podcast app.

Everyone Has What It Takes: A Writer’s Guide to the End of Self-Doubt
You can find William at: williamkenower.com