Sometimes I feel blue and sort of useless and aimless and I don’t want to do anything because everything I’ve done has come to nothing. If you’re going to do nothing you have to do that nothing with a purpose, and when I’m feeling this way the nothing I’m doing is done only in a sulky rebellion against life which has failed to provide me the pleasure and meaning I feel I’m owed. Rebelling against life itself goes nowhere. You’re swinging at air, shouting into the wind, arguing with a river.
It's very unsatisfying. By and by I start doing something, usually with the attitude that once again everything is up to me. It’s not a great way to start anything, but when that something I do is write it’s not long before an idea more interesting than the complaining I’ve been doing has come along and now I’m following it. I’m like a dog who’s caught a scent, and all that matters is staying on its trail. How nice to have a purpose again, to be headed somewhere, to be curious about what the next moment holds.
All trails have a conclusion, and all stories must end, and so I eventually find myself sitting in my work chair, my writing for the day complete, with no plans, and no ideas, but also no complaints. I can still feel within me where that first interesting idea came from even though I’m not following it, even though no new ideas are coming. The portal is still open, the connection is still in place. For a moment, that is enough. I remember that this connection is all I’ve ever wanted, all I’ve ever looked for. To feel it without doing anything is the very definition of peace.
Then I’m up and looking for something else to do. In all my doing it’s so easy to forget what I learn at the end of every good journey. I begin searching for the thing to do that will connect me, confusing the natural order of creation. Connection comes before all meaningful action; never the other way around. My despair is always a consequence of my confusion. The moment I become too focused on actions, I begin to believe that my connection is temporary and circumstantial. The connection cannot be broken, only lost and found – always available, always on, always in the same place.
If you like the ideas and perspectives expressed here, feel free to contact me about individual coaching and group workshops.
Fearless Writing: How to Create Boldly and Write With Confidence.
You can find William at: williamkenower.com