Headaches have become a not so uncommon phenomenon in my life – often attributed to hormonal shenanigans, sinus something, or chronic self-criticism. I have great compassion for the headache-sufferer, myself included; it’s a lousy ride. Whatever their origins, I’ve noticed that as soon as I start to get one (or a “wave,” as I sometimes call those that rise and fall and don’t develop into anything more), I get quite upset, even a bit fatalistic – fast. This reaction troubles me because I know it only makes everything harder.

Recently I went to bed and awoke in the middle of the night with a bad headache. It was like awakening on a ship out of control in a storm; someone had to take the helm. Determinedly, I did a breathing technique that starts with slowly placing attention on my toes and feet and works up to my head. The headache didn’t go away completely but the intense energy that was driving it lessened. I was now in an altered situation and a better position. I felt the shifting effects on my body and mind and sleep seemed possible – a possibility that, to my surprise, soon became a reality.

In the morning, I still had a low level headache but understood that I needed to keep choosing. If I wanted to move in a new direction, I had to keep choosing a focus that at least leaned in a better direction than the stress reaction that had become normal for me. There’s no magic wand, but the effects of a new frame of mind steadily gaining strength, endurance, and reliability produce what can feel like magic.

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This year, in an unusual turn of events, I cooked a Thanksgiving turkey. Usually I bring side dishes and deserts and someone else makes the turkey. This time when I went to carve it – though I have hacked my way through the procedure before – I thought I’d shoot for better results. So I watched a YouTube video on How to Carve a Turkey.

As I attempted to apply the Turkey Carving System, however, I struggled; there seemed to be resistance on both the turkey’s and my part. I stopped and rethought my approach. I started paying more attention to the turkey’s design, using it as my guide. I followed its structure – places where it naturally gave and where it didn’t. As soon as I slowed down and paid more attention to the moment than the plan, the task got easier.

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he other night I dreamt of a bear. I am outside, and several yards away, a bear is holding onto the low branch of a tree. Upon seeing me, it releases the branch and starts to approach. I think to myself that when faced with a bear, one is supposed to stand still, but I cannot find the courage to do so, and hurry back to my cabin. Scrambling inside, I try to lock the flimsy door, but it seems the bear is now on the other side, pushing against it, making it hard for me to secure the bolt.

When I awoke, the first thing I wanted to know was the actual recommended protocol regarding real bears and the people who don’t want to be attacked by them. Depending on the type of bear, some say to make yourself as big as possible and make lots of noise, back up slowly while facing the bear, play dead or fight back, do not stare. Overall though, the advice seems to be: don’t run.

It’s not so easy being still when we believe something might hurt us. But learning to allow our minds to settle is the way through fear. When we take three slow breaths (with a longer exhale than inhale), it lessens the sympathetic nervous system’s fight or flight response and increases the parasympathetic nervous system’s rest and digest response, bringing the two into greater balance. This kind of breathing helps convince the sympathetic nervous system we’re not truly at risk, as it is counter to the shallow rapid breaths we’d be taking if we really were in danger. Our sympathetic nervous systems are set off by whatever we interpret as a threat, whether the thing actually is or isn’t. Without the perception of danger, no triggering of stress and the fight/flight response occurs.

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When I was a girl, starting around the age of seven or so, I wanted my clothing to say nothing – to make no statement, to remain a silent participant in my presentation. I preferred dark greens, navy blues, and anything muted. I remember once trying on shoes and feeling uncomfortable with an inch-high heel, which made me feel as though I were looming and conspicuous. In no way was it my desire to arouse the impulse in others to notice me.

This fashion sensibility maintained its grip for many years, loosening now and again for special occasions, and relaxing slightly in high school. I wanted to express something more but feared I would be trying to be something I was not, and that humiliation would follow. Without realizing it, I feared that free expression would make me a target.

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Recently I took to playing a game with myself; I tried answering all of what seemed to be my unproductive thinking with, “You don’t have to worry about that.” The first time I thought it, I was surprised at how receptive I was to my own advice. And the more I employed the phrase, the more aware I became of what a high percentage of my thinking orbits around some form of fretting. I worry a lot, over the smallest of things – the minutiae of how to do, what to do, whether I should do, what I did. Tending the micromanagement of my fearful projections depresses my energy, so when I stopped, if only for a few minutes, I started feeling small surges of freed energy and my mood rose.

A couple days into my experiment, it was my turn to do our family’s weekly shopping. The grocery store where we shop is currently undergoing a complete redo. Almost everything is being moved: shelves dismantled; items relocated. The employees and patrons are often understandably fatigued and frustrated with the disorder. As I proceeded with my shopping, I quickly understood I could no longer rely upon my years-old mental map of the store to help me find what I was looking for.

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The other day I wanted to exchange a piece of jewelry, and it had to be done by mail. I wanted to package it properly, spend the least amount of money possible on shipping, and be able to track its arrival. Those were my rules – all seemingly easy to follow. Yet my mind proceeded to engage in a remarkably convoluted and demanding thought process. I had in my possession a used small, bubble envelope, which had been cut off at one end. Would that be all right to reseal with tape? Would it leave enough space on the envelop for the address and for the post office to process? Should I buy a new envelope? Where would I get said envelope? Do they have them at the post office? Would I be better off buying it at the grocery store? During the pandemic, do I really want to spend extra time at the post office buying an envelope and addressing it there? Can I really get tracking with first class or will I have to send it priority? How long will this outing take?

This mental storm continued until I felt paralyzed. I even cried out, “Why is this so COMPLICATED?” As I observed the battlefield of my overwrought mind, I had a new thought: that I should let myself figure it out as I go. I realized I didn’t need to be able to answer all the questions, nor follow any self-inflicted rules on how things had to be in order to go forward. I went with the inclination to pick up a new envelope at the store and reminded myself I would figure it out as I went. The jail door swung open. I suddenly felt free. I had stepped out of insanity.

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The other day I wanted to exchange a piece of jewelry, and it had to be done by mail. I wanted to package it properly, spend the least amount of money possible on shipping, and be able to track its arrival. Those were my rules – all seemingly easy to follow. Yet my mind proceeded to engage in a remarkably convoluted and demanding thought process. I had in my possession a used small, bubble envelope, which had been cut off at one end. Would that be all right to reseal with tape? Would it leave enough space on the envelop for the address and for the post office to process? Should I buy a new envelope? Where would I get said envelope? Do they have them at the post office? Would I be better off buying it at the grocery store? During the pandemic, do I really want to spend extra time at the post office buying an envelope and addressing it there? Can I really get tracking with first class or will I have to send it priority? How long will this outing take?

This mental storm continued until I felt paralyzed. I even cried out, “Why is this so COMPLICATED?” As I observed the battlefield of my overwrought mind, I had a new thought: that I should let myself figure it out as I go. I realized I didn’t need to be able to answer all the questions, nor follow any self-inflicted rules on how things had to be in order to go forward. I went with the inclination to pick up a new envelope at the store and reminded myself I would figure it out as I went. The jail door swung open. I suddenly felt free. I had stepped out of insanity.

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When I was a kid, I used to trail after my Mom while she did various tasks around the house. Sometimes, after a while of me talking steadily, she’d turn and say, “Enough.” It wasn’t said harshly – it was more of a plea of exhaustion followed by an endearment. I always felt ashamed at those moments, but if I’d been honest with myself I would have admitted that I too was exhausted. Often I was talking in my sleep. Leftover frustration and sadness were driving a somewhat unconscious me; I was distractedly trying to talk my way out of discomfort.

Early in our marriage, my husband described that kind of talking as “searching”; he said it seemed as though I was just talking in search of relief with no real direction. This analysis wasn’t a big hit with me; I felt guilty and defensive. My unhappiness seemed important; my need for comfort, relevant. But he too was exhausted, and though I could not defend this kind of talking, I knew there was something worth defending. I was hoping to hear my own voice, not the scared, negative, reactive one, but the one that knew I was going to be okay, that I was good and valuable, and that my natural state was happy. Little did I know you have to be awake to hear that voice.

I’ve learned that when I feel unhappy, I’m not all the way here. I’ve vacated; now is a stranger to me whether or not I believe I’m in it. I’m standing on the head of the present moment attempting to reach for something else, looking to get to the next thing or just out of where I am. It seems like being unhappy is a sure sign of being where I am and not liking it, but it turns out that is incorrect. What’s happening is that my thinking (and talking) is, at the moment, out of accord with who I really am and what I really want.

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We’ve lived in our house for twenty-one years but only recently did we see our first bunny. It arrived with no fanfare, just fur and long ears – so still – a fixture in the grass. Never having seen a rabbit in our backyard before, we experienced the moment as a special occasion and stared at it much the way it seemed to be looking both into and out at life. People can do this kind of seeing too, one with the moment; it’s just that our thinking sometimes gets in the way of us taking in what’s right before us, and what’s actually in us.

My grown son was talking in depressing depth the other day – doubting his ability to go forward with his education, feeling stuck, panicked, and regretting decisions he’d made in the past. At first, I was compelled to argue him point-for-point, trying to disprove his hopelessness. But everything I said just made him argue his position more. Then I started talking about who he is underneath the story he was telling. I spoke of his calm, steady, intelligent self. I talked about how that self is always right here, how it doesn’t go away, regardless of our current narrative.

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The truth is, there is reason to love this story.

My character (me), though self-doubting and insecure regarding her ability to accomplish the task, ultimately does so. She keeps trying and, though she falls apart to some degree, never completely unravels. She perseveres and, whether she gives herself credit or not, shows up and accomplishes what she’d set out to do: pick up her damn husband at the damn airport. Plus, if viewed from the right angle, it’s funny.

I actually like quirky, wobbly characters – those who have some of their wires hanging out. I find them endearing. I appreciate stories in which those personalities manage to bloom. When I create characters, these are the types about whom I’m most excited – the awkwardly quiet or loud, the clinically negative or upbeat, the scared ones who still try – whether too hard or not hard enough.

I’ve hated the Picking My Husband Up at the Airport story because I didn’t want to be seen through its lens and didn’t yet understand how to tell the whole story. I am not an insecure, distressed, and disoriented person, but I do act like one sometimes. In order to be comfortable being seen (in the world, and through my work), I have to allow my authentic self to be made visible, and also the asymmetries of this unique vehicle for my expression: my personality. And when we write, it’s the same challenge. We have to appreciate the character’s personality stylings, which can be both endearing and problematic, while simultaneously knowing who they are in their integrity.

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