You Are the Creative Center
By Jennifer Paros
“The power within you which enables you to form a thought-picture is the starting point of all there is.”
When I was little and practicing the ABC Song, at the end we’d sing, “Now I know my ABC’s, tell me what you think of me.” Later, I discovered an alternate lyric: “ . . . Next time won’t you sing with me?” – an improved invitation to join in rather than assess and judge. Of course, the expectation is that the audience will cheer and praise the performer – a child – and, in this context, that is mostly guaranteed. However, it sets up a premise and habit in which thinking about and seeking “what you think of me” becomes part of the process. It is a mindset that inevitably hinders us in our creative expression. To create what we really want to create and live what we really want to live, it’s best to understand that what other people think of us is inherently irrelevant. We are the creative center of our work and lives; all power to create emanates from within, so what’s happening out there is not nearly as important as what’s happening inside us.
Seeking outside ourselves is a tricky game. Feedback and brainstorming are part of collaborative efforts, but when the work is personal, a product of our vision alone, even smart feedback can distract and screw us up. The tools for creating what we want are in us, so that has to be the primary place we’re looking.
Late in labor with my first child, I became desperate for something outside of me to change my experience. But I finally acknowledged the process was happening in me and nowhere else, therefore I was going to have to bring my attention inward and work with what was underway. Once I stopped looking outward for something to save me, I felt able to guide myself.
When I was 10, I was in a class calledWorkshopin which we built all kinds of stuff. Our teacher would explain the latest project; give a littlehow-todemo, then set us loose. We were allowed to implement our own themes, color choices, etc. – but the project was to be made in the prescribed manner and form. When the semester ended theWorkshopteacher wrote in the comment section of my report card that I was veryneedy– always following her around, looking for reassurance, double-checking with her at every turn. To my horror I recognized myself in this unflattering portrait.
“Your opinion is not my reality.”
I often looked to my teacher, but didn’t know why; it was habitual. Somewhere along the line I’d gotten it in my head that these projects were more about doing what she wanted and getting that part right than creating something on my own. That belief harvested this “needy” behavior. After all, if I wasn’t the creative center of the project, then I’d better check in with the one who was – which seemed to be her. But our attention must go to the thought and feeling of what we want, located inside us, in order for us to be more fully and securely who we are. This means knowing when to stop seeking, paying attention to, and listening to others.
In Laurie Anderson’s beautiful, poetic film Heart of a Dog, she tells the story of how, as a 12-year-old girl she tried to do a flip while diving, hit the concrete edge of the pool, and broke her back. She spent a long time in the children’s ward of a hospital in traction where she remembers a doctor telling her she’d never walk again. She thought, “This guy is crazy! I mean, is he even a doctor?” She knew she was going to walk. She knew she was the creative center of her experience. And she knew not to believe the opinion of someone (outside that center) speaking the opposite reality of what she intended to live. This is the job of every one of us.
Creating is a process of unifying our thoughts and energy around what we want – not around what someone else thinks. When we make anything else the center, we lose track of our power and become dependent on and reactive to outside forces. It’s easy to get lost in what’s happening – the world’s people, events, and dynamics are compelling, but there is no way to create what we want while focusing on anything that isn’t it. What we want rests at the center of who we are, so when it and we are unified, we are lined up and ready to go forward in the best possible way.
Jennifer Paros is a writer, illustrator, and author of Violet Bing and the Grand House (Viking, 2007). She lives in Seattle. Please visit her website.